The other day I was asked if it ever goes away. The pain from losing a parent. And I had to be honest. I didn’t give this person the answer they were looking for, but I gave them the truth they deserved. The cold hard fact is that it doesn’t. Death is inevitable. It’s an evil we can’t escape. It’s painful going through it, it’s painful watching a loved one go through it, and it’s painful to watch the reactions of everyone around you. It leaves you with an immense ache in your chest. It’s been over two years and it still hasn’t gone away for me and fuck anyone who thinks that it should. If anyone tells you that you’re overreacting, being dramatic, or tells you to move on, then they’re an incredibly ignorant person who probably needs to reevaluate their life.
Losing my dad, my best friend, it was like a part of my heart died with him. A part that won’t ever come back to life again. I can’t guarantee that it won’t hurt. There’s this quote from Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom: “Death ends a life, not a relationship.” And lately, as time goes by I’m beginning to feel like that relationship is fading away. People say that time heals all wounds but I’m not so sure about it. And I’m sorry I can’t help that. I can’t give you advice because I’m still figuring it out myself. I’ve lost more family members than most my age can say and each time has shown me that everyone mourns in their own way. You and I, and everyone else will all grieve in our own ways. But there is something that all of us will share. It’s hope.
Hope is a difficult thing to grasp. Sometimes it may come easy but sometimes it will feel like there’s none left. You’ll want to scream, cry, and you’ll probably want to hit someone or something. It’s really a roller coaster. It gets easier and harder and then easier and then harder again. But I can promise you that it will get better. And that doesn’t mean you’re forgetting, it just means that you’re living. And that’s all the ones you lost will ever want for you.
Despite the ache that I often experience when I miss my dad, my life right now is good. I’m happy, I’m surrounded by some really good people and I’m doing things that I’m really proud of. So I can’t guarantee that it isn’t going to hurt, but I can guarantee that there is hope.